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I think I’m officially taking a break from Kindle freebies.

In What Wendy Wants, Frank is a clueless husband who has absolutely no idea what his wife wants in bed, despite the hints she tosses at him. Although he is supposedly a bigshot forensic accountant who loooves his job, when Frank mistakenly takes Wendy’s Kindle to work with him, he spends three full work days not only cracking her password, but also reading all of her favorites. While on the clock.

Her favorites happen to be all the other books that Nikki Sex has ever written.

Shameless self-promotion.

Nice.

Frank decides to recreate all the highlighted scenes in Wendy’s favorite books. He runs an analysis to determine what she’s into, and comes up with a weird list of percentages:

spanking 76%
submitting 65%
hair pulling 57%
neck/nape bite/nuzzle 55%

…and so on.

At this point, I just wonder where he got these percentages from. And also, 55%? Couldn’t that pretty much go either way?

But whatever.

What ensues over nearly the entire rest of the book is one night between Wendy and Frank. This could have been okay, I guess, except that Frank constantly breaks up the action to analyze what’s going on. He analyzes Wendy’s reactions to what he’s doing. He spouts off his nonsensical percents. He brings up Masters and Johnson’s research? (I mean, sure. Their research is pretty amazing. But it’s not sexy to be like “now the vaginal canal is self-lubricating!”)

Couldn’t he just enjoy it? Another reviewer mentioned that because of Frank’s constant analysis, it felt like more of a manual than a romance novel. I have to agree. The whole time I was reading, I kept thinking, isn’t this supposed to be sexy?

When their lust-filled night is over, they actually quote full passages from Nikki Sex’s other books. They talk about how sexy her characters are. Do you think the characters in Nikki Sex’s other books talk about Frank and Wendy?

And I’m sorry, maybe it’s just because I’ve never read these other books of hers, but the whole time, I was thinking “I’ve read better smut written by virgin teenagers.” If that’s what Wendy and her husband think is sexy, I guess good for them? But this Andre character that she raves about certainly didn’t do anything for me.

When I got about 50% in, I knew that I would DNF this book if it were any longer. I did manage to finish, but only because this book is so short.

I liked the premise, but the execution was absolutely lacking. Not recommended. There are so many better books out there.

Final rating: ★☆☆☆☆

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