DNF review: Next August by Kelly Moore

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A summary of the first 20% because I care about you and I don’t want you to go through the torture I just did:

August: I’m going to take my ambiguously disabled friend Sam hiking!  With a full team of professionals!  Oh no, Sam is fine but I’ve sliced my whole hand open!
Nashville: You don’t know me, but I’m a breathtakingly gorgeous trauma nurse!  OH DEAR!  You need stitches!  Please come to the hospital!
August: Nope.
Sam: Please go to the hospital.
August: Nope.
Sam’s mom: Please go to the hospital.
August: Nope.
August’s housekeeper: Please go to the hospital.
August: Nope.
August in the shower: Shit. There’s blood running into my eyes as I’m washing my hair. I guess I have to go to the hospital.
August in the ER: Hi. I’m here to see Nashville.
Receptionist: There’s a line.
August: Too bad.  NASHVILLE!!!
Nashville: Come on in!
Receptionist: You can’t just take this random guy in because he’s hot. There’s paperwork and a line.
Nashville: Hahaha, it’s okay.  I diagnosed him myself atop a mountain. He needs a CT scan.

August: Nope.
Nashville: Yep.
August: I’m afraid of hospitals.
Nashville: I’ll hold your hand and prioritize you over all the people who are having heart attacks and who might actually die, mainly just because you’re so hot.
August leaving the ER: It’s the middle of the night but I’m going to call my security guy and tell him to do a full background check on – shit, I don’t even know her name – that cute nurse.
Security guy: Here’s your extensive background check, complete with this girl’s entire financial history.
August: Oh, she’s poor!
August calling Nashville: Hi, please come to my house.
Nashville: Um. How’d you get my number?
August: Haha, I’m rich.
Nashville: But seriously.
August: No really.  I get what I want because I’m rich.  Please come over.
Nashville: Okay.
Nashville arriving at August’s mansion: This is… excessive.
August: Please work for me.
Nashville: ???
August: I know your parents need money.
Nashville: But how?
August: Like I said, I’m rich.
Nashville: But you’re, like, literally stalking me.
August: Haha, yeah. I like to know about my employees.
Nashville: But I don’t work for you.
August: Yet.
Nashville: Excuse me?
August: I’ll double your current salary.  I know what it is since I stalked you.
Nashville: What do you even need a nurse for?  And why the fuck are you so creepy?
August: My dad’s live-in nurse conveniently retired on the same day that I met you. And please don’t swear even though I swear all the time.
Nashville: Oh, okay.  Yeah, sure, let me put in my notice.  When can I start?

*…and Sara DNFs*

August is only a romantic hero because he’s hot and he’s rich.  If a gross old man did this, it would be stalking.  Police would be called.  Nashville would have never gone to his house and she certainly wouldn’t have agreed to work for him.  In real life, someone who acts like this would be murdering Nashville within minutes of her arriving at his house.

This is disgusting behavior and I am not here for it.  I can’t believe I had to read this with my own two eyes in 2017.

In addition to that, the writing is choppy and awkward.  It’s very much “This happened. This happened. I saw this.  Here are some adjectives.  And some more adjectives.  This is something else I saw.”  I’m not even kidding:

My eye catches the only piece of furniture that doesn’t fit in. It is an old piano that sits in one of the corners of the room. It doesn’t look like it has been used in years. There are a few pictures scattered on top of it. The room is decorated in blues and browns. The couch consumes half of the room. It is all-white and L-shaped with large cushions. On the wall hangs a gigantic television set. I suddenly feel completely out of place here. I start to fidget.

I can’t do this anymore.  I can handle a bad plot.  I can handle poor writing.  I can even handle a douchey hero.  But this book has all three, and I can’t do it.

No stars.