Book review: Troll by Emma Clark

Troll by Emma Clark

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆
Links: Amazon • TBD • Goodreads
Publication Date: February 4, 2014
Source: Daniel sent this to me because he always knows how to make me smile.

TROLL First 3 Books is an erotic short of 15,400 words (ebook is 50 pages; paperback is 100 pages). Includes graphic sexual content.

Note: No new material has been added. This bundled edition contains the first 3 books of the Troll series.

Twenty-one-year-old Kyla Adkins frequents the Internet in search of her soul mate.

While online, she meets hot and devilishly handsome Justin Brogan. Dangerous, arrogant and quite psychotic, Justin hacks into Kyla’s computer and soon he controls everything, including her heart and her life.

There are a few things that I have to say before I get started with this review.

Let me first say that this book was a gift from Daniel in celebration of me hitting 1,000 followers because he is the actual best person I’ve ever met in my life. “I saw this in a ‘worst book ever written’ video, and thought you’d enjoy it,” he said. He was right. I enjoyed it a lot. Five stars for entertainment value. It’s probably the worst thing I’ve ever read in my whole life, but I had fun reading it.

(Also, speaking of Daniel, today is his birthday!!! Happy birthday, Daniel! ❤)

Second, this is not a book that I would have ever picked up for myself, but I’m so glad that I had the chance to read it because it really puts other books in perspective. Like, maybe the other books that I own really aren’t that bad.

Third, this book is actually three books and it’s only 99 pages with really big, double-spaced font. Also, I think the synopsis on the back cover is like… size 52 font. I’m not sure why everything is so big.

Anyway, without further ado, here are all 170 thoughts I had while reading Troll. Beware of lots of spoilers and lots of profanity (both mine and the book’s) as well as mentions of possible rape. Anything in bold is a direct quote, and this is 100% not safe for work.

1. What even is this cover? Is that a TARDIS or maybe a Dalek or a weird computer mouse in the corner?
2. I’m sorry, is this actually published by “DELICIOUSLY FIENDISH FICTION”
3. Summertime lasted three months, making it worse than Valentine’s Day. Where is she going with this… first page and I’m already confused…
4. Summer. A season when lovers held hands, embraced and kissed as they strolled side-by-side on the walkway heading nowhere. Sometimes I was forced to watch these lovers, considering my small apartment loomed above the street. Oh, I see. Okay. Maybe I’ll allow it?
5. So many obstructive buildings that I forgot what the moon looked like.
6. She’s 125 pounds and she calls herself overweight, okay.
7. Oh god, she’s trying to find a man on TRUE CHRISTIAN LOVE, this will end well.
8. I only used the site to avoid men who trolled strictly for sex. I have some news for you… plenty of Christian men troll just for sex…
9. Great boobs you have. Wow, I’m swooning already!! This guy is a smooth talker!!
10. His username is GeniusOne. GENIUSONE. GENIUSONE.
11. GeniusOne was quite a handsome troll.
12. he seemed so… so damn tasty
13. Sometimes bad trolls could be good trolls. (?????)
14. What’s your name, hon? ;o) Okay I don’t trust anyone who makes a smiley like that.
15. There’s a reason why a penis fits inside a vagina. Enlighten me.
16. Like, say it’d be a natural process for me to slide my cock up your puss– vagina. Wow, this guy really went through the hassle of typing “puss–” and then crossing it out. He’s a keeper.
17. He just said “roflmfao” and I don’t think I’ve seen that since I was 15 years old.
18. Would you prefer if I called them bewbs? I don’t think I’ve seen “bewbs” since I was 15 either.
19. Baby, I’m just being friendly. No need to get bitchy. : – ( He’s such a prize, I can’t even handle it.
20. Aww, PMS time? 😠
21. I’ll fuck off on camera. You wanted to see me fuck off, no? 🙄
22. With my backside wedged to the fridge… and why??
23. I find myself in the bathroom jerking off. When I imagine your pretty face surrounded by that lush blonde hair, all I wanna do is come, come and come. I am so glad that he’s sending her these unsolicited messages!!!
24. I want to possess every single inch of you. Nail you. Fuck you. 😬
25. Baddies have always been your type. Remember? This is not a “baddie,” this is an actual stalker.
26. Shit, maybe I was the weirdo? Yes, yes. Page 13 and already she thinks this is her fault, great.
27. He stood before a camera, somehow streaming live video to my computer. How and why.
28. And I’d be damned if he didn’t begin to strip. What the fuck.
29. Styled in a faux hawk maybe this book is actually set in 2005??
30. not a hair in sight is he actually a child because I’m pretty sure grown men have at least one hair on their bodies
31. He reached into his shorts, worked his cock until it grew to a shocking length. A SHOCKING LENGTH.
32. Its violet hue deepened, tip bulged ready to explode. I’m just wondering if Justin’s okay.
33. Your name’s Kyla Ann Adkins. You’re twenty-one and your birth date is June the tenth. Happy birthday. That’s… disturbing.
34. Oh, chapter 2 is called “Stalker” and if that’s not accurate…
35. I remotely installed software on your computer that let me stream this live video. Because THAT’S not creepy AT ALL.
36. I snatched my Smartphone from the desk. Oh no, she snatched her capital-S Smartphone from the desk!! Will she call for help? I bet she won’t!!
37. I barely finished reading before the Smartphone locked. Then my laptop shut down. By itself. Please physically go to the police station, this is horrible.
38. Brief non-plot-related interlude… why are most paragraphs just one sentence??
39. Seized by paranoia, unsure of what to do, I grabbed my car keys and hurried to the front door. YES.
40. I’m letting this guy drive me nuts. I’m giving him all the control. Fuck that. No!!!
41. By 9:40 my panic waned. Please find your panic again, this is not right.
42. I jolted upright when last night’s events flooded my memory. GeniusOne. Justin. Computer hacking. Phone dead. Privacy violation. Next thing you know, he’ll be in her living room.
43. Everything’s dead in this apartment. Including you, probably, because Justin is clearly insane.
44. Oh, his message vanished. His message vanished? What is this, Snapchat???
45. Hi baby. I’ve missed you, but that’s okay since I’m here now. Is he ACTUALLY in her living room at 2:35 am?
46. “Hi baby,” said a deep voice behind me. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK.
47. Chapter 3 is called “Nightmares” and that’s RIGHT. Oh my GOD.
48. Paralysis cinched every muscle and stole my hopes for freedom. Why are you paralyzed, are you dramatic or did he drug you??
49. She’s crying! She thinks she’s going to die! How is this a romance book and not a horror novel???
50. A scream. That belonged to me as well. WHAT THE FUCK.
51. Those screams cut to a muffled whisper after his hand clapped my mouth. WHAT THE FUCK.
52. Tender. Loving, Dominating. Sick. Twisted. Okay, agree with the last three but TENDER and LOVING? WHAT?!
53. “Seek and you shall find. Knock and it shall be opened,” the beautiful monster rasped. What the actual hell. Am I supposed to be swooning? Because no.
54. Oh so he’s creepy AS FUCK but at least he smells good.
55. Why do I feel like the combination of lilac-scented body wash and “the savory hint of after shave” would be gross? Also it’s “aftershave,” all one word.
56. I wasn’t in ‘his arms’ per se; he had me trapped in his arms. These quotes are wrong and it bothers me.
57. What he wanted to steal meant most to me. Something irreplaceable. Is she a virgin. Is this about her virginity.
58. Now he smells like lilac and savory aftershave AND mint. He’s got a lot going on.
59. Justin had taken a chair from the kitchen. He threw it down, sat, slouched as he watched me. I’m imagining him literally throwing the chair and it doesn’t work.
60. I’m gonna nail you and fuck you and then… I’m gonna nail you and fuck you again. Oh wow. He’s gonna nail her AND fuck her. He’s really pulling out all the stops.
61. By the time I’m finished with you, Kyla, you’re going to be sore. Very, very sore. That’s… really the last thing I would ever want to hear.
62. “You’re totally insane.” “True.” At least he doesn’t deny it??
63. “I have to use the bathroom.” Please escape out the window.
64. Moderate kissing accelerated to a heavier, aggressive nature. 😬 
65. I’d never been kissed like this before. It was disgusting, heart-stoppingly hot and wonderful all at once. I don’t think the kiss should be disgusting.
66. The sheer force of his affection dipped me at an uncomfortable angle. His affection?!
67. Unfortunately I needed to drain my bladder. Justin’s provocative kissing turned me on, which didn’t help the pressure in my genitals. Well, that’s a mood killer.
68. Upon returning, I found him dozing in the chair. WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SNEAK OUT!!!
69. I glanced at the front door. Should I? I couldn’t do it. What the hell is wrong with you?!
70. Chugging on a beer (without my permission), Justin leaned against the fridge. He even steals her alcohol, rude.
71. I lowered my gaze, horrified to see my nipples clearly outlined under my shirt. The state of their nipples, just what everyone thinks about when there’s a stalker in their house.
72. Slowly Justin knelt before me, eyeing me while he took hold of my shirt and slipped it high above my ample breasts. Yes I allowed it. Why did you allow it.
73. Without warning, his tongue flicked a bare nipple. A single damp, swift stroke that made me quiver. Jolts of ecstasy radiated as my pussy clenched and my nipples hardened. That’s a lot of reactions to a lick.
74. …lost in the pleasurable experience of Justin’s rhythmic nursing. 😷
75. …so goddamn ready for his penetration it was ludicrous. SO! GODDAMN! READY!
76. And. He. Just. Wouldn’t. Stop. Eating.
77. Christ! He’s forced me right on the edge. Oh, oh, here it comes. It’s mounting, growing hotter, gonna be a big one– This is the most ominous way to describe an orgasm that I have ever heard.
78. He cracked a smile and chortled, enraging me. Oh, he CHORTLED. Sexy.
79. Okay, we’re on page four of this nipple stuff and I’m getting bored.
80. Mmm. Looks like your tasty tits need more sucking action. I don’t think they do.
81. Agonizing need stiffened my clitoris. SUCH SEXY WRITING, WOW.
82. And now it’s page five of this. 😐
83. That was the least sexy description in a sexy scene that I have ever had the displeasure to read.
84. …his tongue traced the clitoral hood… are we in a legit anatomy class right now?
85. HER CLITORIS JUST SPIT JUICE.
86. I could sip, eat and swallow your pussy juice every day, every night. I’m going to throw up.
87. His auburn hair makes him look exotic? I didn’t know auburn hair was exotic but okay??
88. A blunt, broad monster of a cock. OMG.
89. Close enough to stab me with his veiled cock. OMG.
90. Right here? In the kitchen? 😱
91. “I’m a virgin.” Please have some mercy on me for god’s sake. I knew it.
92. “Are you sure?” Possibly the best reaction ever to finding out that someone’s a virgin.
93. It’s not going to hurt, baby, because I’m not going to stick it in. I’m going to titty fuck you.” I actually burst out laughing and yelled “oh my GOD” at my poor cat.
94. “Oh–okay.” Really the only response to that statement, I guess.
95. Justin straddled my waist while positioning his inflated dick between my breasts. HIS INFLATED DICK.
96. Justin’s motions jarred me, the linoleum chafing the tender skin along my back. I don’t see why the linoleum had to be involved.
97. I swallowed. This weird tasteless substance heated my throat. Tasteless?
98. He just cleaned her up with handy wipes.
99. “My heart, my dick, my soul belongs to you. Oh. My. God.
100. IS HE ACTUALLY RAPING HER RIGHT NOW???
101. I’m so confused about what’s happening right now but I think he’s raping her, what the FUCK!!!
102. ??????????? “loving attack” “betrayal” “viciously” ??????????
103. Justin. What a strange character. No. No. No. No. No. No. NO.
104. After having my cherry popped at the ripe old age of twenty-one… Oh, 21, you’re so old.
105. …intelligence enough to get him accepted in Mensa. How exactly is he smart though? He hasn’t done anything smart in this whole book.
106. Justin aka GeniousOne. Okay so first of all, that’s not even how you spell Genius.
107. What would tomorrow bring? Would I discover Justin’s secrets? Did I truly want to know his secrets? No, you don’t. Kick him out.
108. The taste of his savory lips roused me from a dream. That’s a really weird way to put that.
109. Oh, the sense of danger has vanished, wonderful.
110. Soon this pulsing bud enlarged to a scarlet orb, visible amid the moist lips. I don’t think it’s supposed to become a scarlet orb, maybe see a gynecologist about that.
111. I’m just wondering, like, where the hell are the condoms since you guys literally just met.
112. Oh, he has a colossal hard-on and it’s grotesque. Great.
113. Justin’s dick couldn’t be missed for miles. He was obviously horny as fuck, so why the hell didn’t he stick it in? What the hell, Justin??
114. The sex is hurting Kyla and Justin is AMUSED. He thinks this is FUNNY. I hate him.
115. Oh hell, wasn’t it time you lost your hymen anyway? Um? Excuuuuse me? Not your decision, Justin!!!
116. You really should be thanking me… oh, this asshole.
117. “Get the hell out!” TELL HIM.
118. He’s not going to leave, is he…
119. “Why?” “Because I fucking said so.” I literally hate him.
120. You matter to me. Oh, she matters to him.
121. “I want you to leave.” Please just go, Justin.
122. Don’t you dare forgive him!!
123. His pelvis jolted with expert stealth, he filled my tightness with his blunt cock, drilling deep enough to sting. EXPERT STEALTH!!
124. I have never in my life seen sex described as “voracious” but here we are.
125. I shrank from his repetitive gouging… REPETITIVE GOUGING. Jesus Christ.
126. Justin halted and the ripping ceased. Between the gouging and the ripping, are we sure they’re having sex?? This doesn’t sound right.
127. His boner came closer to full impalement. Wow, so hot.
128. We continued making out, rolling and jerking on the bed like stray felines in the midst of battle… or kitten-making. Please don’t bring cats into this.
129. But with hurtful abruptness, Justin pulled away. “Baby, you kinda suck at kissing.” Um, what? Rude!!
130. My self-destructive attraction to baddies made this situation my fault as well as his. Again, he’s not a “baddie,” he’s a stalker and quite possibly a psychopath.
131. Still going on about what a bad kisser she is… “It didn’t bother me at first. I was glad for the opportunity to kiss you.” He’s an actual asshole, like, the literal worst.
132. “Baby, listen to me. Not everyone’s a pro at kissing. It takes practice like anything else. I was letting you know so you wouldn’t get embarrassed later.” Oh, so he’s insulting her for her own good. Right.
133. “…hot savage fucking is my actual talent.” HOT. SAVAGE. FUCKING. 🙄
134. “I want you to prove how special I am to you. Prove it by not jacking off in the next forty-eight hours, then I’ll believe you.” It’s the ultimate sacrifice, I guess.
135. Dark lashes fringed his hooded lids while dramatic brows complemented eyes of faint topaz. Since when does he have topaz eyes?? I thought they were azure??
136. My entire body thrummed with waves of pleasure and an overwhelming sense of pure love — and being loved — fulfilled the depths of my existence. He doesn’t love you.
137. This was how it felt to be loved by someone. HE DOESN’T LOVE YOU.
138. I wasn’t accustomed — nor prepared — for the vivid, frightening experience of his expressed love, which reminded me of fairy tales I’d indulged in as a child. There those fairy tales go again, fucking up even more lives.
139. She just used “suckling” three times in the same paragraph.
140. His lesson of mouth-and-tongue-play took forever — but I wasn’t complaining. Ew, that sounds gross.
141. “And don’t forget. I’ll be giving your final lesson in forty-seven hours,” he warned and lightly kissed my forehead. FORTY-SEVEN HOURS, that is very specific.
142. He’d endured six hours with a hard-on. I think you’re supposed to seek medical attention if it lasts that long.
143. WHY DOES HE KEEP CHORTLING???
144. She was reprimanded at her job for browsing dating sites at her desk but WHY would you want to do that at your job??
145. He ran his fingers through his spiky faux hawk. Oh god, I forgot about the faux hawk.
146. He raised my hand to the nape of his neck, where he left me clinging to the softness of his hair. I thought he had a spiky faux hawk, how is that soft??
147. “I haven’t had the easiest life.” “No one has.” Um, way to be a jerk?
148. “Have I ever given you any reason to think otherwise?” You’ve known each other for like… a day.
149. “I dreamed I pumped him full of lead.” Yikes.
150. “I could really fuck him up if you wanted me to.” YIKES.
151. “For real. And I’d get away with it.” He brought a pointed forefinger to his mouth and blew, pretending the digit was the barrel of a gun. YIKES!!
152. I didn’t know that eating nacho chips and queso dip in bed was considered an awesome picnic, but okay, glad you’re having fun.
153. “He keeps giving me these cancelled checks to keep in a lock box.” That’s, um… weird.
154. Gaze firm, he slanted forward. “You don’t want to know. Trust me.”
     “What makes you so sure–“
     “I’m a troll.” 🙄
155. “Not just a troll. It’s an acronym… actually I’m supposed to withhold information pertaining to my job.” Oh lord, I can’t wait to find out what it’s an acronym for.
156. This book is taking a weird turn.
157. Oh, he’s a HACKTIVIST.
158. Oh, he’s just using her to get to her dad, never saw that coming…
159. “Sorry for what? Terrifying me for the fun of it? Or fucking me so hard that I bled all over the kitchen floor?” Oh jeez. At least she’s acknowledging that that wasn’t a normal thing.
160. As the full reality of this situation sunk in, dozens of grim images flickered of how Justin would kill me. KILL YOU?!?
161. “It wasn’t you I was after, it was your father.” Just what every girl wants to hear!
162. Justin rushed to the bag and yanked out the contents, providing the answer to my unspoken question. He shoved a devil mask over his face. Why in tarnation does he have a devil mask with him??
163. Doorbell chimed. Dad shouted my name. Of course dad’s coming for a visit right now…
164. Wonderful, we’re back to a bunch of one-sentence paragraphs again.
165. An urge to run grew… YES, PLEASE RUN.
166. He captured me before the elevator door slid open. His hand silenced my screams while he dragged me to my apartment. What the fuck.
167. He removed the mask to reveal an attractive, masculine face shiny with sweat. Oh, I forgot he was wearing that weird mask.
168. I jammed my knee into his balls, then scrambled off the floor. GOOD JOB.
169. Justin remained in a fetal position. Crying, sobbing, I reached in his jeans pocket where I tugged out the cancelled checks. Jesus, how hard did she knee him??
170. This book was a wild ride.

 

This book is legitimately one of the worst things I have ever read in my whole entire life. I can’t tell if this is meant to be a serious book or (since it’s called Troll) maybe it’s just an elaborate joke? Either way, this was just… the actual worst. I don’t even understand how it was published. Who decided it was a good idea?

Also, we never even found out what TROLL stands for.

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Have you read Troll? Do you ever hate-read books just for fun?
Let’s talk in the comments!

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