Smart Tass by Mimi Jean Pamfiloff
Publication Date: April 11, 2017
Source: Kindle freebie
He’s the hot quarterback all the girls want.
She’s the smart girl he loves to pick on.
And now that they’re all grown up, things are about to get geekin’ ugly…
My name is Tass. I’m smart, I’m driven, and I am determined not to let prankster Hunter Johnson continue raining on my parade. When we were little he’d pull my hair and call me names. When were teenagers, he’d throw food at me and tease me for being a flat chested virgin.
But now that we’ve ended up at the same college, things are about to change. Because I’m not that geeky little girl anymore, and Mr. Amazefootball is due for a little lesson. One about how women with brains shouldn’t be messed with. I’m going to crush his heart.
So what’s my plan? He’s about to find out…
Okay, so I’ve seen Smart Tass (and the other books in the OHellNo series) floating around the book blogging universe. One of the PR companies that I get emails from has invited me to participate in approximately 12,000 different events for this series. It didn’t really appeal to me and I never intended to read this book, but then Daniel went and told me it was free on Kindle and sounded terrible, so… hate-read it was.
Below are the 81 thoughts I had while reading Smart Tass.
Lots of spoilers, obviously. Direct quotes are in bold.
- “But I wouldn’t queef in Hunt’s general direction to save his life.” We’re off to a great start here.
- “I worked my entire life for straight As. I made sacrifices — mostly to my social life and girlish figure since studying didn’t leave room for much else.” Oh no, not her girlish figure.
- “Get off!” “Would love to.” THE MOST CLICHE LINE OMG
- “Paweeez, Tassie…” Ew.
- “I manage a small jab-kick just above his knee, which creates enough space for me to land a real kick into his rib and—ouch! My foot!—rock-hard abs.” HIS ABS ARE LITERAL ROCKS.
- “Intelligence is the only currency that matters. And Hunter Johnson is dumbass broke!” Okay.
- “With my 3.99 GPA and full scholarship to a university that is not Harvard, Yale, or Princeton, I’m the black sheep of the Summerset clan.” How many classes would you have to take for a 3.99 GPA?
- “giant, six-foot-two turd” what a description
- “I just want to fuck you, Tass! I need a virgin!” Hunt yells out. Wow, so romantic!!!
- “cave-dwelling crustacean” nice insult
- “But Hunter, did your concussion-warped mind forget? You already fucked me. You did it to me in kindergarten and every year of my life since.” I would not call that a winning comeback.
- She just called her roommate her “dorm-roomie” and… what?
- She also wants to pledge Kappa Kappa Kappa, which, setting aside the whole KKK thing, my Kindle tells me that they’re a male fraternity, not a sorority.
- “I even wore my thick-framed glasses to show everyone that I’m not afraid to fly my nerd flag high in the sky.” Thanks for wearing your nerd glasses so that we can tell you’re smart.
- “Tonight, she’s wearing a black skirt and a blouse with formulas printed all over it. Classy!” CLASSY.
- “Do you really think I’m going to waste my time on a dumb jock who can’t satisfy me in any way?” Well, we’re only 9% into the book, so probably.
- “Prove it?” Lainey laughs. “How?” How. How? “I’ll show you how easy it is to get a guy like him. Then I’ll make him endure public humiliation.” What? They don’t want her in their smart people sorority because they think she likes a football player so her solution is to… date him.
- “Elle and I hit it off right away during our phone interview.” In what universe do you get to do a phone interview before settling on a college roommate?
- “But then kindergarten started and so did his utter hate for me — the uncool nerdy girl.” Can you actually be uncool and nerdy in kindergarten? I mean, I was pretty uncool and nerdy growing up, but I don’t think that started until at least like… second grade.
- “Anyway, the rest of Hunt’s and my relationship was a blur. He followed his path—like a jock moth flying toward the glorious jock light, in search of fame, pussy, and glory.” Ah, yes, beginning in kindergarten.
- Hunter would then add a “Back off! Tassie is my nerd.” Like he owned me in some strange version of reality that only existed in his head. Well, that’s not creepy in the slightest.
- Experiment #1: Appearance. I am wearing a short black skirt (that I’ve folded at the waist to make shorter), black heels (the only heels I own), and a low-cut red tank top (that I usually wear underneath a blouse). I’ve straightened my curly brown hair so it’s as long as possible, and I have applied an obscene amount of makeup.
- Experiment #2: Laugh at all his jokes and do not say anything remotely intelligent.
- Experiment #3: Tell Lab Rat how big his muscles are. One point: If she does all of the experiments at the same time, how will she ever prove which one of these worked? Come on, Tass.
- “I much prefer thought-provoking songs made with actual instruments in there somewhere, like Ed Sheeran.” I don’t have a problem with Ed Sheeran, but… thought-provoking? Really?
- “Wow. He could crack coconuts with those calves.” That’s a new one.
- “Did I miss the bus? Because you’ve obviously gone somewhere without me.” Same.
- “You’re serious.” “As a heart attack. On a cruise ship. That’s forgotten to stock aspirin and defibrillators.” Yikes.
- She shakes her head. “What’s the first rule of kindergarten? When a boy teases a girl, it means he…?” I frown. “Now you’re off your rocker. He does not like me.” YOU’RE SO SMART BUT SO DUMB.
- A booming knock on the door startles us from our debate. I turn and pull open the door, finding… “Hunter?” He steps inside the room, smelling of sweat and anger—whatever scent that is. “What are you doing here?” I ask. “I’ve been standing out in the hallway, and I just heard everything you said.” Of course he was. Where else would he be?
- “Well, you’re obviously obsessed with my cock, and I have nothing to hide, so here it is.” I can’t help but peek, but his penis is still in his pants. “Come on. You really think I’d show it to you?” He scoffs. I’m just…
- “I also notice how his bottom lip is kind of pouty and very sensual. I’ve never actually looked at his face before.” I’ve known him my entire life but never looked at his face.
- “My heart suddenly kicks into high gear and adrenaline pumps through me. I don’t like it one little bit. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and my body is all hot and— Sexually flustered? No. No, no, no.” omg, she’s attracted to him, didn’t see that one coming
- “Fuck. I hang my head and give it a shake. I think it’s time I have sex. My body clearly needs it.” Right.
- my womanly flower oh, wonderful, it’s the first of many cringey euphemisms for her virginity
- “They, uh…increased the points,” he mumbled. “For what?” “Sleeping with you. Sleeping with you is fifty points—it was Henry’s idea.” 🙄
- “We don’t actually have to fuck, Tass. They just need to think we did.” Great.
- “But do I want it badly enough to let everyone think you’ve taken my pristine chariot out for its maiden voyage?” MY PRISTINE CHARIOT. ITS MAIDEN VOYAGE. OH DEAR LORD.
- “The winner’s ribbon for my hump-day race?” OH GOD THEY KEEP GETTING WORSE
- So, we just found out that Hunter has “giant blue, anime-saucer eyes,” so that’s just WONDERFUL.
- “He’s more like Moby Dick, not shrimp dick.” Nice play on words (but not really).
- “Wait. Oh, jeez. Is that his bulge? A tingle rockets down my spine. And…lucky me. There’s a reminder of my vitamin S deficiency. Sex is a corporeal nutrient, right?” SEX IS A CORPOREAL NUTRIENT RIGHT
- “I mean, I’m a red-blooded American girl. He’s a horny guy. And who better to crack open the dam of promiscuity than the Huntsman, The Hunt, Mr. Bigdick himself?” THE DAM OF PROMISCUITY
- “They all need to know I’m planning to let him mount the white pony, slay the V-dragon, crack the seal.” JUST NO. Tass is so cringey and so immature and I cannot handle this.
- “Why do I keep coming up with this weird virginal slang?” Good question. Stop it.
- “I know whatever’s jabbing at the back of my mind, it’s not small. I know it’s horrible, life-changingly bad.” Why. Why is this turning into this kind of book. I hate this kind of book.
- “What happened, Hunter?” I look up at him, and it all explodes. My memories: Blood. Screaming. Staring into Hunter’s eyes as he’s asking why I won’t say anything, why I’m pretending like I don’t remember. Can we not.
- “Fuck.” I cover my mouth. “Did you kill someone?” I whisper. Jesus Christ.
- “So you should know that just because we never speak again doesn’t mean that I won’t be thinking of this every day for the rest of my life.” He sits up, blinking those blue eyes at me. “Did you just say you’re never speaking to me again?” So, let me get this straight. You just found out that he literally almost killed someone to keep you safe and so you never want to speak with him again.
- “Wow.” I jolt to my feet. “I should go.” I point over my shoulder. “I have stuff to do, like…” Quick. Say something nerdy and convincing. “Like alphabetize my underwear.” That doesn’t even make sense!!! It isn’t even funny!!! It’s just dumb!!!
- “I’m about to throw out some vengeful comment about tiny penises, but I realize I don’t feel much like playing the hate game anymore.” Let’s not reference The Hating Game, okay.
- “Oh, God. I think I’m in love with him. And perhaps I have been for years.” SHOCKING.
- “Don’t hey Tass me. You screwed Henry?” She shrugged. “I prefer the words had sex or intercourse, but yeah, we humped like a couple of randy farm animals.” OH GOD.
- “I think… I think he actually sees me almost like a sister or something.” I’M PRETTY SURE HE DOESN’T.
- “There’s not an ounce of fat to be found on those bulging pectorals or abdominal muscles with grooves so deep they could be mistaken for rain gutters.” Not even one ounce of fat on his whole entire body? That sounds very unhealthy.
- “He cracks that panty-melting smile, which serves two purposes: one, melting panties…” Whoa.
- “Really, it was just the best line from the movie. Anyone with a vagina would know that.” EXCEPT ME. THANKS.
- “He puts his hand back over the top of my thigh and glides it under the hem of my short dress to where he can practically touch the seam of my panties.” Oh yes, he really sees her like a sister, huh.
- “You dirty little dwarf star!” Nice insult, again.
- “I told her we stole her vibrator collection the other night, too.” “What?” He nods. “She had ten.” “No.” “Yes. And she had names on them.” We step outside and shut the front door. “Please tell me you’re kidding.” “The biggest one was named Hunter,” he says with a giant smirk. Honestly, this is just weird.
- “What!” I cringed. Thighs. Boobs. Balls. What are they doing (or how close did you get??) that you saw all three?!
- “My biggest fear is that he’ll say something horrible—like “I really hated your nerdy guts and thought it was funny to watch you suffer.” I hope that’s not his excuse, because this guy? I want to trust him.” I feel like a switch flipped here really quickly. She absolutely despised him and then she was attracted to him and now she wants to trust him? This is all happening so fast.
- “Rain. I look back up at the random cloud in the sky. “Geez. Thanks.” I have no clue what that means.” It means it’s raining…??
- “I’m happy we’re going to Henry’s cabin together.” Her expression turns pensive. “Is that because you’re planning to sleep with Hunter and feel nervous?” WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM. THIS CAME OUT OF NOWHERE. I EVEN WENT BACK AND REREAD THE CHAPTER IN CASE I MISSED SOMETHING.
- “I’ll take a box of Magnums.” It’s an educated guess, because no guy carries himself like Hunter does without having something large packed away down there. Plus, I’ve seen that bulge. Oh, right, no man with an average-sized penis could possibly be confident.
- “Stop! You’re going to make me pee.” She giggles. “And my bladder is full.” Henry laughs. “Oh, does my little sweet pea need to tinkle? Let big strong Henry take care of that.” I would get back in my car and drive away.
- “He looks raw and carnal, like he’s put his sexual potency on proud display.” How exactly does one look “raw” or “carnal.”
- “Just standing next to him is making my body spark up in sinful places.” Okay, this is like the first relatable sentence I’ve read in this whole book.
- “It’s a little sad to discover your erogenous zones at such a late age, but I always say better late than never.” Isn’t she like 18 years old?
- “He grabs hold of my calves and drags me down so my valley is fully exposed and in his face.” My valley.
- “Just as I’m coming, groaning hard, he slides a finger inside me. It stings.” Why does it sting??
- “his balls are slamming into my base” So, first of all, she’s a virgin, maybe calm down with the slamming. Second of all, is this supposed to be hot?
- “It’s starting from the center of my womb and spreading out through my back and hips and legs.” The center of her womb??
- “I feel his cock twitch inside as he jets his cum.” Wow, jets.
- “The sensation drags another orgasm right out of me.” She had three orgasms as she lost her virginity. Is this some sort of record?
- Um, okay, she’s used the word “carnal” at least five times so far in this chapter.
- “I realize he’s still inside me.” What, you forgot?
- “By three a.m. her phone is ringing off the hook. It’s Henry asking why she left. “Because you’re a disgusting pig. That’s why!” By five a.m. my phone is ringing, too. It’s Hunter. I don’t answer. I just block. I don’t want to hear any more lies. I don’t want to hear any more bullshit.” But you didn’t even talk to them to begin with.
- “She’s wearing her red hair in a big bun and has on a silver sequin dress cut just above the pubic bone. Seriously, the hem is so high I can almost see her g-spot.” Is this some kind of x-ray dress? Incredible.
- “Sorry. Not falling for whatever frolicsomeness you’ve envisioned in your cranium, Hunter.” Honestly not even sure where to start with this sentence.
- “Yes, they slept together, so she and I got to compare notes. For scientific purposes, of course.” I have literally never once in my life “compared notes” about a sexual experience. What the heck.
Basically, this book was a mess. I get that it’s supposed to be a romantic comedy, maybe it’s supposed to be a little satirical of the genre… but that doesn’t mean it was good. The characters were frustrating. Their motivations were all over the place. The dialogue was often cringey. I’m glad this was free.
#mm19: new to you author
#ps19: a book set on a college or university campus
#romanceopoly: college row
Have you read Smart Tass? Do you have any good romantic comedy recommendations? Let’s talk in the comments!
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